Whatup, home

I love your crap weather.
I love your quiet nights.
I love your empty streets.
I love your miniature shopping malls.
I love your hobo-dressed residents.
I love your green grass.
I love your sky.

And I really, really love your familiar faces.

The best

I always liked Valentines Day but I like it even more this year!

Lucky you; lucky, lucky me.

I don't want to be myself, I want to be better

Myself is unorganised and messy, and frequently walks into things which creates unsightly bruises in strange places. No, I am not a battered woman: I am merely clumsy.

Myself is flighty and indecisive.

Myself backs down way too easily.

Myself is kinda weak and will usually take the easy road rather than the hard, despite good intentions. 

Example: (dialogue with myself) 

10pm: "I'm going to get an early night and tomorrow morning I'll wake up at 6 and go for a run!"

11:47pm: (still on facebook/watching a movie/lying in the hammock)

1am: Lie in bed remembering the reason I never get an early night is because of the people who enjoy frequenting the nightclub outside my window.

3am: Fall asleep.

6am: Wake up to the sound of many bottles being poured into a rubbish truck with a loud reverse signal/beep thing (this may be the worst sound in the world)

6:01am: Stumble out of bed, close my windows, fall back into bed and turn my ipod on (noise-blocking headphones were the best purchase I ever made. Ever).

9am: Wake up sweating because I closed my windows at 6am and apparently my room is an oven. I'm way too hot and tired to consider running at this point.

See, there are reasons that my good intentions become null and void.

But if we're gonna zoom out (metaphorically) and take a look at the bigger picture I've gotta realise that there's no time for this crappy version of myself. Life is short dammit! It is ridiculous to spend 10 minutes deciding whether to get lemon cheesecake or tiramisu cake when the $8 I spent on it (admittedly there was a free coffee thrown in there) could contribute to something worth far more. Cheesecake is not a big deal in this world. I kinda wish it was, but really: it is not.

If I'm going to wake up tired at 9am then I might as well wake up tired at 6am and avoid the getting hot and gross before I even wake up part of the deal. 

I want to change the world.

Probably not going to happen if I cannot even change myself. And it's hard to change yourself when you're perfectly comfortable living the way you're living. But I'm not. I want something more. I want to be better. 

In a positive advance in my quest to be better than myself, this week I have been taking the stairs instead of the lift and the grand thing is that all it took was walking past the lift and opening the door to the stairs instead. And it's probably faster than waiting for the lift to arrive at our floor anyway. 

I know this is tiny in the great scheme of things, but the principle at stake is the same. 

Things I want to do in my life but so far haven't simply because myself keeps getting in the way of Beka-Who-Knows-What-She-Wants-And-Makes-It-Happen:

> get a freaking sweet job that starts a fire in my belly and makes me excited to go to work every morning

> perfect the art of sharing the truth with grace and love and respect, yet conviction and urgency and passion

> actually save money

> stop caring about what people think because they're going to think no matter what I do

> be an integral part of the evolution of something that has the power to change to the world for massive good and then throw my heart and soul into it to help make it happen

> get my nose pierced (Mum I promise I only want the tiniest tiniest one everrrr!)

> look babing in a bikini

> be able to run a mile without literally dying at the end

> make snap (good) decisions.

That list isn't even that big,

and it starts

here

and

now.

NB

Last week Nath came to see me and we spent the week watching tennis, drinking amazing juice/cider, going to the zoo, falling asleep in the park, going man shopping (!!!) (I LOVE BOYS CLOTHES), swimming in the ocean, fighting about whether abbreviations ending with "s" are ok or not ok, cooking bacon and eggs for breakfast, dancing to Michael Jackson, and painting up the town.

We both really like triangles.

I'm unsure when this obsession started, but living in Melbourne has only fueled it. Melbourne should pretty much just be renamed Tri-city. Or something. 

When we decided to stencil something around town it was kinda clear that it would involve a triangle, an N, and a B. Obvs.

Yeaaaaaa. We're pretty proud of this.

We're pretty small in this big, big world, but I know we're both going to make our mark on it.

Familiar

It feels like home when you start to recognise people in the supermarket. When the guy who makes your coffee sits down and talks to you for 20 minutes. When you meet your neighbours in the lift and they finally realise that you're not just a visitor, and they introduce themselves. When people ask you for directions and you can actually help. When you start getting Australian numbers in your phone along with all the mile long international ones. When you actually memorise your own Australian number.

Home is quite a fluid thing which I don't think I'll ever completely arrive at, in this life at least.

Lover not a fighter

Sometimes I wish I held more of an opinion on things, sometimes I wish I could stand up and fight for something I believe in. I wish I had an answer for everything and everyone, and I wish that I could be so sure about something that I'd defend it no matter what anyone threw at me.
But I'm a lover, not a fighter.
I passionately believe in the power of an infinite love.
I'll stand for this love, because it's one thing I know for sure. It's one thing I will fight for.

And that fight is only won by love.
Ironic.

When you know

You know.

Every day

It's a really beautiful life.